the market

remember the song "i'm sorry for 2004"? i do. i sung it to my father as he bought flowers for my mother at the west side market the day after christmas. he's not so sure what he's sorry for, but he's sure it requires flowers. my mom had absolutely no interest in going to the market to haggle with produce people, stare at dead pigs feet or smell fresh fish. she's not a fan. but she is a fan of family togetherness, and this is an event in which that togetherness comes naturally. sadly, it doesn't include my mom. so, she pouted.
i put her out of my mind and enjoyed the crunchy beauty of the market. this is my favorite new tradition. we did it last year. i'm hoping it happens again. we go for fish that you cannot find more fresh anywhere else. dad makes sushi with it.
the place makes me feel like i'm in a good dream. i get a hot vanilla coffee and a crepe with cinnamon and sugar. i follow the smells of fresh bread and homemade peanutbutter. it makes me crazy happy. here's a view from the upstairs balcony.

i always enjoy the north market in columbus, but my sister and i were discussing an important point: cleveland is just so much older than columbus. the buildings and their architecture cannot compete. i mean really, look at the ceiling.
kaitlin and i decided that cleveland people, in addition to the architecture have their own special charm unique to their home. they have strange accents, they have a sprinkle of new york-toughness and their fashion is about 10 years behind. we like it.
i will post more about christmas but for now i am going to bask in the glory of my new lap top and go visit cat websites.
hugs and kisses,
the fiendish dr. net.

holiday bonus

today is our company's holiday meeting/party, with an emphasis on the meeting. there better be a bonus in there, or i will cry. i've never been a member of a company that actually receives company bonuses, so i can't complain.
all i can think about is when bill murray doles out the vcrs and hand towels in scrooged. hope i don't get stuck with a fucking hand towel.

tomorrow is party time. i'm excited. jimmy and i will have to do our best to facilitate our respective parties. he, with his video games and stand up comedy. me, with my dress and stuffy wine and cheese party.
see the thing i like about my "stuffy" parties is that they start classy, then slowly spiral out of control. i want to be the girl with my skirt over my head.
eh, don't hold your breath.

it's all about giving

the holidays are a tumultuous time for us at the kraft house.
this year
she asked me what i wanted. i told her, some framed art or a comforter.
(we are each allowed one "big" present, i thought either one of those items would aptly fill the criteria)however, my mother has decided that it is inappropriate to ask for household items for christmas.
so, she has other plans.
a down jacket from lands end.
lands end. i had to say it twice for emphasis.
actually, as gross and grandma-ish as it is, it's really quite fun to dress an avatar model who looks exactly like you up in some matching clothes. and i mean this thing looks freakishly like me. cweepy.
when i told her again that i didn't want a jacket, i have enough clothes, she told me i was being "an ungrateful little bitch"
zoiks. she said the b word.
she said that i should consider what the giver wants to give. and not ask for things that aren't "fun to buy".
"pick something else out." she said. "like a camera or a sweater"
i have over 30 sweaters. it's ethically unstable of me to even consider wanting more.
ohhh, ok. so it's about the giver.
i totally forgot what christmas was about.
i should tell jimmy that he should let me buy things for him that are fun for me to buy,
like teapots.


my mother is hyperemotional

emotional and loud

i'm pretty sure i have about 15 pictures of the two of these goofs making these exact faces.

it's amazing how 2 beers and 2 glasses of wine can make me feel like i've been run over by a car. sunday morning hurt real bad.
but that's ok, because i had plenty of time to relax and walk it off.
spent the entire day in a waffle shirt and robe. took a 3 and a half hour nap. perfectly timed for the duration of the entire browns game.
went to the elephant bones, mors ontologica show at the gay tropics bar on saturday.
that was a super good time. i was a little over served. i never enjoy being the loud emotional one knocking things over, but i guess it was just my turn.
ana and evie were there and that makes everything more fun.
hadn't seen my sister in a long time. it's amazing how she finds the strength to wear a dress and walk 10 blocks when it's 15 degrees outside. she's a real classy babe.
i'm kind of surprised how friendly all my old dudes were to me now that i've been out of the columbus picture for so long. it felt good to reassimilate for one night.

last night jimmy and i watched at least 5 back to back episodes of weeds. it gets pretty juicy in the second season. not my favorite show, but it sure is fun to curl up in the guest bedroom and watch free shows on the huge computer monitor.

this morning i came barreling out of the house with my bagged lunch, purse, hot tea and laptop. quite possibly the worst combination of things to be holding whilst you fall wildly onto the brick walkway. i underestimated how frozen things were today. ouch.

the holidays are upon us and i am feeling much better about everything. it may be because i just took some narcotics.

almost finished with my christmas shopping, which is a good feeling.
although, it may be a bummer of a christmas this year with all the family tragedy.
we just found out that uncle denny will not be out of the rehabilitation hospital until January. (he's the one who fell of the ladder and broke his back, now he answers the phone by blowing into a straw) Which means, of course, he will not be able to join us for christmas. super bummer.

my mom will be without two of her siblings, as well. they have passed on.
man, i've got to get on with the serious holiday cheer if i want to make it through this one.

i think i will have a party. it always made my mom feel better.

fairness

admittedly, i have really let this blog fall by the wayside.
and i'm sorry. it's just that work has really got me feeling like i'm walking through 3 feet of cold molasses on a sunday. makes me tired, yes it does.

we have recently set up a video relay station in our office. (3 of them actually)
for those of you who don't know, video relay interpreting is a service in which a deaf person can use a small camera and tv to contact a call center where there is an interpreter waiting. the deaf person shows up on the interpreter's computer screen and the hearing interpreter places the call to the hearing consumer by using their voice on behalf of the deaf person.
sounds like fun right? totally wonderful right? providing equal accessibility to deaf people so they can make annoying fucking marketing calls from their homes just like hearing people.
god damned fairness.
i have never desired to work in any kind of call center. but somehow, my job has recently required me to act as if.
"hi, this is video relay interpreter 802. please hold while i connect you with your deaf caller...
(deaf person starts signing)
hi, my name is bob and i work for blablabla company. would you be interested in blablabla"
So i get the benefit of listening to the hearing person yell at me and hang up.
the deaf person on my computer?
he gets the benefit of seeing my sweet sweet face smiling back at him because i can't bring myself to match the mean spirited bitch on the phone.
apparently, this means i'm bad at my job.
garbageface, grumblesticks. ick.

the good news? as soon as this miserable day is over i'm going to OU to see evie.
superrockandrollhappytown.

sorry about all the hypotheticals in there. i have a problem.

writer's block.

more animals

i'll think of something.

i was really hoping we could post pictures of one another simultaneously, alas i am late.
evie and i ran the famous "cat caper 5k" last weekend. it was a glorious day and a hilly course.
did i mention i got hit on by a guy named brew? i hope i heard him wrong.

breakfast took a long time to make, but was unbelievably satisfying.
i can always count on evie to make a face this tremendous.

photo blog of chicago

i'm super behind here.
went to chicago less than two weeks ago to hang with jimmy's sister, patti.
turns out, chicago is a gorgeous wonderland. filled with trees, parks, brownstones and physically fit individuals.
we enjoyed the ideal fall weather. had a delicious breakfast complete with apple cinnamon, almond walnut oatmeal crunch, AND apricot pancakes.
went to a farmers market, walked to the immaculately clean beach, trotted through the cute little farm themed zoo, saw depaul, had cocktails at her apartment, and went out for sushi. a beautiful weekend trip. (minus the part where jimmy got mad when patti and i shushed him at dinner)

view from the pedestrian bridge right before the water

another beautifully decorated brownstone

jimmy and patti at the beach

theys gots farms in chicago? who knew?

jimmy and i both agree we'd love to move to chicago. but the truth is, we've kind of fallen in love with marysville. the country has lots of benefits. plus a quiet porch with a swing.

benefit to living in the sticks #343

not having to worry if some indie kid is going to catch me powerwalking in dumpy mom clothes.
ooo. life is sweet.

4 minute blog

i have exactly four minutes before i have to head out on my next assignment so i will make it concise.
went to bernie's last night for the first time in year. saw the infamous zach allen starkey. kinda fun. mostly just uncomfortable and boring.
things i'm looking forward to right now:
-receiving in the mail all of the odd old fashioned vanity items i have recently purchased. (silver hair brush, perfume atomizer, etc)
-getting the two 3 pound tubs of cookie dough that we ordered from the neighbor boy.
going to chicago tomorrow to see jimmy's sister.
-running another race with evie.
things i am not looking forward to:
-getting a bad tooth taken care of
-kickboxing tonight
-winter
thank you and have a beautiful afternoon.
-lorn

rite of passage

went to my first real bachelorette party this past weekend. wow. if the kinds of shoes in this picture are any indication, these bitches were scary. i have never seen so many girls in one place wearing tiny little dresses. prom is different. people wear long skirts, they look kind of classy even if they're typically hoes. these girls used this outing as an excuse to wear what my mother refers to as "the double jeopardy" outfit. low cut chest, high skirt. mom says you can wear one or the other, never both.
we took shots. ate penis cake. rode in a hummer limo and went to sugar bar.
as we were waiting for our vip hostess to escort us to our special floor i looked down the line at the girls. i thought, with the exception of me, it looked like we were waiting in line to pose for the side of the bus picture for girls gone wild. terrifying.
let me tell you. what a strange place. i have found at the ripe old age of 26, that there is no magic or mystery left at a dance club for me. it doesn't matter how dark or how loud the music is. i know what the place looks like at noon. i know what the people look like at noon. yucky.
i will not be fooled by creepy sweaty dudes with pin striped pants and mustaches. i don't care how many muscles you have. i basically played body guard to a cast of 15 drunk women for the two hours i was there. a girl from our party had so much of the free grey goose, she fell off the stage directly onto her knees. shit.
i had a pretty good time. but mostly i felt old.
it seems that sugar bar is a place where people go when they're about to get married. there were at least 4 other bachelorette parties there.
and the dudes? all of societies rejects. poor women. go out looking to have a last hurrah and they get: a burn victim, a dude in a wheelchair and four hispanic dudes about a foot shorter than them. all wearing their father's old spice. there. did i offend everyone? good.
they offended me.

Super slipping fall-apart erosion.

all the roots exposed.

An escalator waiting to start

This is a mess.

i can't wait to pack all this dirt back together.

In a night dream. In a total freak out. sweaty.

Separated. a death apart.

I couldn’t stand it.

I want the pony and the ending.

I want the sunset.

I want the wedding.

And you’re scared, and you’re tired, and you’re up all night.

Is it fair, is it smart, is it loathsome, is it right?



I nuzzle into your hoody pocket and see the honey colored light.

Your shirt is so yellow, so bright.

I want to run like a rabbit from a wolf.

How many times do I have to discuss the sum of my deeds?

It's my virginal, chaste face.

It's a flower amongst weeds.



If I had broken the ice with the truth

I wouldn’t be fishing for so much help.

Help.

It's got to be down there somewhere.

Alaska doesn't get snow as pure as this truth.

i love you.

cleo. not the brightest cat.

moar funny pictures

project runintoyourcar

friday night the lindsay had a show at the new summit. i'm personally not too excited about the place. i liked it better when it was a gay bar. complete with sassy boys in tight white t-shirts, karaoke and drag queens. i believe i let the band know about this sentiment over a nice tall glass of vodka, standing in the front with jess.
my night previous to the stiff drink? not so nice.
J-hole and myself had resolved to be nicer to one another and reminded ourselves by writing a notes on our palms. his? "more sensitive" mine? "less sensitive" a gentle reminder to not give up on our relationship after 4 or 5 cocktails.
not so much success.
we left tom's house before the show. i insisted on driving because j-hole was already in good form.
and i did it, i backed into a psedofamous person's car.
you know the girl from proj run? the one everyone was rooting for? that one.
j-hole was not so happy about his.
he called me names and i went up to the house.
lucky for me, neither proj run or her pb&j lookin' boyfriend seemed remotely sober.
i told her what happened and gave her my information.
she basically said nothing. she said "you have pretty read hair"
and "is it fucked?" i told her it was a minor dent in the quarter panel. she seemed unconcerned.
the house looked like a traditional cutesie clintonville home. inside? it looked like a crazy 80's bachelor coke house with black leather couches, zebra rugs, and a porcelain cheetah holding up a glass coffee table.
she hasn't called me yet. i guess i can thank bravo for paying her enough to not bother me. halleluiah.
got pissed at jimmy. had him drop me off at kate's house. then after stewing for ten minutes. i literally ran to summit. it was pouring and i had no car. i figured, why walk it? so i showed up sweaty, grumpy and rained on. it makes you drink faster.
with the exception of talking to jess, it was a bust. fuck that place.
everything is back to normal with me and jimbo, as usual. weekdays we are the cleavers. weekends we are bobby and whitney. we'll find a balance.
he really is the light of my life. the problem, as he and i outlined last night in the newly decorated guest room is that he can be a real prick and i can be a real pussy.

and here i thought whenever tom bent over, he was punching stuff into his trusty Texas Instruments calculator.

Dear Journal,
as a member of this generation, i am not embarrassed to say that this is my third blog. except back in my day, we didn't call 'em "blogs" we called 'em journals. because that's what they are. (i'm sure you know by now how loathsome i find that word.)
i'd like for this journal to solely be about what it's like to live in marysville, though i fear it might be a short story.
so let's keep it broad.

yesterday i interpreted for the governor of ohio. i'm sure all of my loved ones have had quite enough of me tooting my own horn, but i'm pretty pumped. this is the kind of thing i would have expceted to wait several years to do. me? i've been interpreting professionally for about two months. this doesn't make me the most qualified person for the job, but certainly the most enthusiastic. woot.

i sent out a desperate call via faceplace to see if anyone i know wants to run with me.
those who responded:
evie, who has skipped town for athens.
brigit, who has skipped town for chile.
out of some three hundredish friends. i see now who is dedicated. i also see that these who are dedicated are also what my mother calls "geographically undesirable". so crapface. jimmy will come to races, but he will be bored.

other news
at this new job i have somehow maitained my ability to be completely aloof. normally i jump into people's faces with "hi i'm lauren, i really like camping and nail polish. i once had a really bad boyfriend who purposefully wrecked my car and stole my dog. this one time..."
not this time. this time i watch. like a lion.
actually more like a big oafish creature in a hot linen dress.
it has been the first day of school for 64 days. this is becoming exhausting.
Love and Kisses,
Lorn